Growing up it was a huge struggle, of being bullied, that brought on my low self esteem issue’s, with how I felt that I looked, now I know in my latest blogs I’ve talked about forgiveness, and certain issue’s and trying to over come of how we can be strong fighter’s as I’ve said before that pain will gradually disappear over time as I’m extremely sensitive to others going through hard times, esp with mental health issue’s I cry with frustration sometimes because most of all we are human beings above all else,who deserve happiness, peace, love, I know it’s a strong word, but I definitely hate judgement on others,……..
When I was about 12 or 13 yrs old I was bullied badly as they called me fatty, ugly, thick, slow and stupid, and that was even by my family and elder siblings, I still hold quite a bit of anger… of these situations I felt totally uncomfortable in my own body, I had a bout of bulimia, as I kept well hidden for a long while, the pain of feeling this way as I used to eat much food as I could to make myself sick :[ I had help with support from the eating disorders team, and my mother that guided me with support……
But I’ve always struggled with it, afraid that it will always return, as my eating disorder took me to a down wood spiral that led out of control, this is when my disease and feelings with food as stopped with me for many years, I’m not going to lie it’s still hard for me to bear the risk of gaining weight because of hurtful feelings that can still be embedded in my mind , and I have to say I’m always afraid of that returning in my head, thinking I’m going to go out of control yet again that I can still be thinking that I’m going to be 13 stone again……..
When I was 23 yrs of age I was losing my weight and it felt so good and the more compliments I was getting, the more and more I was losing, not noticing how thin I was and actually going by looking in the mirror and seeing the person staring back at me checking every part of my body thinking the weight was still their,I had an obsession, counting calories on tins, constantly weighing myself, hiding my food, putting on baggy clothes to hide my illness away from others.
Being in constant denial led me to bad mood swings against my family and supporters that was mostly concerned for me and my situation that I was enduring…. I was convinced their was nothing wrong, as people with eating disorders can carry that denial of thinking that their isn’t a problem at all. I was living in constant fear of being afraid, and to be honest with you I still am, I still have a fear of my illness coming back….
Anorexia nervosa is the most dangerous illness we can ever go through, a constant fear of gaining weight, I was never comfortable in my own skin I can still extremely hold bitterness and anger towards my feelings that can come from my past, that I’m constantly scared of feeling that I’m not good enough or strong enough to fight these thoughts in my head, which in the past 4 mths I’ve self harmed and considered suicidal thoughts and my relationships with eating and most of all food…was going from bad to worse that is when I asked the lord for help to help me heal and survive my thoughts of my relationship with certain issue’s of my mental health illness, which I’ve succeeded yet again.
I’ve been working with the mental health nurse and counsellors to restore my weight of getting healthy, it was the hardest thing, frustration, tears, painful moments started to arise.
I have been keeping a journal diary, to help control my thoughts with bitterness and most of all anger, and most of all my feelings of food ,the past recent mths I’ve been in a rehab centre to think clearly in my mind of I’am who I’am and sitting quietly trying to find my stability….. and now I feel that I’m healing properly, making my journey to recovery succeed yet again. I’m having regular check ups and I’m happy to say I’ve become successful of restoring my weight and controlling my thoughts and feelings I’ve carried with me for such a long time…….. I read a story on karen carpenter of what she went through with anorexia nervosa and how she didn’t survive it, and her story that was told has really saved my life.
I do feel as though I’m in a happy place again and even though my thoughts of my illness, may return as I still do have a fear of it returning I can look at something positive and give guidance and encouragement of helping others as we are all in this together our feelings with past, anger, bitterness, and what ever pain you are enduring please feel free to share it with me as I’m understanding and I feel that everyone needs that extra support and love even though we have never met…..honestly you have a friend in me above all else.
Well my lovelies I will write again soon when I can……
Take care of yourselves, and most importantly stay happy✌❤️xx