An Open Letter To My Depression That Led Me to My Binge Eating.

Dear Depression,

I never thought I would say this but I’ve deeply struggled with you, put up with you,been over controlled by you, you’ve sapped me in half of my self confidence of energy of doing things that I used to enjoy and the enjoyment of the things I used to love doing but you’ve also taught me a lot and I do suppose that I should say thank you.

I am tired, tired of fighting with you, and tired of feeling the need to prove myself to you even though we both know my efforts come unnoticed. I do try and accomplish simple tasks, if it were up to you, the work would just keep piling and piling up. My course work would be unfinished that I could fail, tasks would go lower and lower ie such as washing that would continue to be untouched, and lately you have been a huge struggle and an impact of my daily life “What’s one more day of putting off these daily chores?” Remembering when I slept in my bed that I couldn’t get my head off the pillow for a week because you made me believe moving the clothes off my bed that was just too difficult to do. You gave me advice in my head that ‘put it this way at least you won’t have to make your bed of a morning.

It is still hard for me to call you what you are because deep down, I don’t think you enjoy being talked about and you prefer to be silent, and in the darkest depth, because isn’t that where all the scariest things hide? I just wish you would at least own up to the damage that you cause, as I wouldn’t feel that I’m always the one to blame.

MY DEPRESSION THAT LED ME TO BINGE EAT OUT OF CONTROL,

You continued to haunt me by turning to comfort eating that spiralled out of control, and I began to eat compulsively as you probably would say in my mind”keep enjoying and eating the food that is bad for you”

My binge eating,that left me with guilt,shame,disgust,something that was very uncontrollable, that I would hide my emotions and behaviours with food from sneaking snacks,and junk food.

My weight gained and gained piling on the pounds and no one noticed the pain that I was feeling inside of extreme stress and depression. I was telling myself inside “SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME” I’m suffering in silence, I felt ugly, hurt, angered,very frustrated, of what was happening,the feeling of the hurt was bad enough.

But some friends and family would tell me I’ve put on weight “YES I KNOW I WOULD SAY” with anger and upset inside.

“See depression that is what you did to me the more comments, the more hurt that spirals me out of my control the more deeper I would turn to food to hide the pain, plenty of snacks like chocolate, sweets, crisps, rounds and rounds of bread, chips and cake,” It was extremely hard to avoid temptation”

My binge eating led me even more into depression because of having very bad stressful time of isolation, very few little friends, who wasn’t interested of how I was feeling, being extremely lonely almost my entire life with low self esteem issue’s,”yes I would hide my hurt and feelings where I wouldn’t speak about it” but what is wrong with friends being concerned offering me support and I’m here if you want to talk” :/

I would go out for a social get together to try and build my self-confidence of letting my hair down but I felt that everyone was staring at me and my weight that I piled on through depression and severe stressful situations and that was what I was going through at the time of being in a dark place.

Depression you had left me with that angry feeling of despair and very frustrated that I needed to turn to a therapist for help and at the time I struggled with a deep journey that seemed impossible to fix I was almost a size 18 at that point that I just kept on eating and purging to block out the pain of loneliness and a mixed of emotions I was dealing with inside regarding to a past that was haunting me of bullying, feeling ugly, as my low self- esteem led out of control a relative at my work place, said “I may appear extremely bitter in this conversation”:/ but she told me congratulations and I said what for and she said when is it due AND THAT UPSET ME DEEPLY as that mixed my emotions and depression into more of a down wood spiral and piling on the pounds of eating excessively it’s not a easy process of someone feeling this way, but that was the only way I could hide the hurt of that comment.

I tried to deal with it the best that I could but this comment also had taken me another way to losing weight by starving myself “I’m explaining myself of the way I felt at the time”and now I’m turning it the other way around and it still left me extremely depressed where I just wanted it all to end in the process and taking my own life there and then because that one comment can cause damage to a person with low self esteem, depression and stressful situations regardless it taking a different turn. One night I was sitting on the edge of my bed absolutely in floods of tears where I was lost of wanting to get rid of all the hurt and the pain I thought this is it no more binge eating it’s time to say goodbye!!!!!!!!

Depression had taken away all my ability to live and enjoy life that I absolutely craved for a long time as it has taken all my power to ever experience an happy life as I felt terribly disgusted with myself as I kept eating myself into an oblivion emotionally, to again secret snacking, crisps, chocolate, bread x4 a day, where I couldn’t stop :[ but you depression you changed all that by saying “hello anorexia nervosa” a cause of starving myself to death;[.

MY LETTER TO THE LORD AS I WAS DESPERATE FOR GUIDANCE AND FAITH IN GIVING ME THE HELP THAT I NEED.

Dear Lord.

My happiness has been taken away from me,

My ability to live a very happy and bubbly life,

Willpower and strength,

Having the energy, and fulfilment in my life,

Lord my depression has taken control of all of the above, I want to have the life that I see some people living, happy, laughing with friends, families, relationships, dressing up, wearing make up again,

Lord I haven’t eaten for days!! saying the expression in floods of tears, I’ve been very isolated, hurt, angered, through extreme depression, binge eating excessively to the point where it had spiralled out of control, I needed to do this, asking my brain to take the thought of food away, FOOD, FOOD, go away you are ruining my mind today I would suggest to myself, I have had the indulgence in my head [lord] that thin is beauty? I know at the time that was a delusional thought as the lord has now guided me to know that beauty lies within a person, not just about being thin it’s about the person that you are, and the main thing to being healthy but this is what I was facing at the time:[ of complete desperation for help and guidance from above.

The lord had spirited me in so many ways, has I did state in my very first blog : A journey of recovery was a complete success the first time but this is the second time that anorexia nervosa occurred as I did state that this condition can stay with you for a long time so I had to find myself yet again.

My behaviour spiralled out of control with food as I was still dealing with certain issue’s of depression, regarding the past that I had suffered self harm and suicidal thoughts, of still not being happy, at this point I was becoming thinner, and completely having the feel of feeling very hungry, but I kept thinking about my emotions as well, like thinking I’m going to bring back my binge eating habits!!!!!! that won’t stop as it will lead me out of control yet again, this was my mind telling me EAT, GO ON EAT LOADS,.Depression was sending me lower and lower and back into that deep dark place.

“So depression this time you are not going to win”, you are not going to control me or my life,I kept telling myself over and over “I’m the person in control” THE FEELINGS OF ANGER EXPLODE. So that’s when I really had to call for help of going to my gp to be refered to an mental health unit for depression and binge/anorexia disorder and trying to deal and come to term’s of now to control my own mind that I’m not going to over eat, or starve of food due to being controlled of depression, I started to regain my weight to being healthy again with the help of the care team, and my family when I spoke the truth of needing severe help again in which then they were very supportive.

Depression now I have controlled you, I’ve found a stability of gaining my life back to being a healthy one, and the medication has helped me in many ways possible so now I have so many things to look forward too by being happy, loved and making many new friends, going out more often, and experiencing life like I once had before.

SO GOODBYE DEPRESSION YOU CAN NO LONGER HURT MY EMOTIONS ANYMORE X

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