My Relationship With Food, Feelings And Pain That Led Me To Anorexia Nervosa,……..

Hello everyone,

Growing up it was a huge struggle, of being bullied, that brought on my low self esteem issue’s, with how I felt that I looked, now I know in my latest blogs I’ve talked about forgiveness, and certain issue’s and trying to over come of how we can be strong fighter’s as I’ve said before that pain will gradually disappear over time as I’m extremely sensitive to others going through hard times, esp with mental health issue’s I cry with frustration sometimes because most of all we are human beings above all else,who deserve happiness, peace, love, I know it’s a strong word, but I definitely hate judgement on others,……..

When I was about 12 or 13 yrs old I was bullied badly as they called me fatty, ugly, thick, slow and stupid, and that was even by my family and elder siblings, I still hold quite a bit of anger… of these situations I felt totally uncomfortable in my own body, I had a bout of bulimia, as I kept well hidden for a long while, the pain of feeling this way as I used to eat much food as I could to make myself sick :[ I had help with support from the eating disorders team, and my mother that guided me with support……

But I’ve always struggled with it, afraid that it will always return, as my eating disorder took me to a down wood spiral that led out of control, this is when my disease and feelings with food as stopped with me for many years, I’m not going to lie it’s still hard for me to bear the risk of gaining weight because of hurtful feelings that can still be embedded in my mind , and I have to say I’m always afraid of that returning in my head, thinking I’m going to go out of control yet again that I can still be thinking that I’m going to be 13 stone again……..

When I was 23 yrs of age I was losing my weight and it felt so good and the more compliments I was getting, the more and more I was losing, not noticing how thin I was and actually going by looking in the mirror and seeing the person staring back at me checking every part of my body thinking the weight was still their,I had an obsession, counting calories on tins, constantly weighing myself, hiding my food, putting on baggy clothes to hide my illness away from others.

Being in constant denial led me to bad mood swings against my family and supporters that was mostly concerned for me and my situation that I was enduring…. I was convinced their was nothing wrong, as people with eating disorders can carry that denial of thinking that their isn’t a problem at all. I was living in constant fear of being afraid, and to be honest with you I still am, I still have a fear of my illness coming back….

Anorexia nervosa is the most dangerous illness we can ever go through, a constant fear of gaining weight, I was never comfortable in my own skin I can still extremely hold bitterness and anger towards my feelings that can come from my past, that I’m constantly scared of feeling that I’m not good enough or strong enough to fight these thoughts in my head, which in the past 4 mths I’ve self harmed and considered suicidal thoughts and my relationships with eating and most of all food…was going from bad to worse that is when I asked the lord for help to help me heal and survive my thoughts of my relationship with certain issue’s of my mental health illness, which I’ve succeeded yet again.

I’ve been working with the mental health nurse and counsellors to restore my weight of getting healthy, it was the hardest thing, frustration, tears, painful moments started to arise.

I have been keeping a journal diary, to help control my thoughts with bitterness and most of all anger, and most of all my feelings of food ,the past recent mths I’ve been in a rehab centre to think clearly in my mind of I’am who I’am and sitting quietly trying to find my stability….. and now I feel that I’m healing properly, making my journey to recovery succeed yet again. I’m having regular check ups and I’m happy to say I’ve become successful of restoring my weight and controlling my thoughts and feelings I’ve carried with me for such a long time…….. I read a story on karen carpenter of what she went through with anorexia nervosa and how she didn’t survive it, and her story that was told has really saved my life.

I do feel as though I’m in a happy place again and even though my thoughts of my illness, may return as I still do have a fear of it returning I can look at something positive and give guidance and encouragement of helping others as we are all in this together our feelings with past, anger, bitterness, and what ever pain you are enduring please feel free to share it with me as I’m understanding and I feel that everyone needs that extra support and love even though we have never met…..honestly you have a friend in me above all else.

Well my lovelies I will write again soon when I can……

Take care of yourselves, and most importantly stay happy✌❀️xx

Believe In Yourself, Love, Trust, And Try And Enjoy Life, We Are Fighters……,❀️

Hello, My Lovelies I’m back again!!! 😁,

Hope you are all well,

My Inspiration for doing this short blog, is that I truly believe that we are fighters, and above all else we shine.

No matter of the heartaches, and how much anger we hold, we need to believe in ourselves.

Trust is a hard issue for me, because of judgement and the harm from others, but I’ve written in my journal diary, believe in yourself believe in the future, happiness will truly make us shine.

This is all really important and most of all sensitive to me as it breaks my heart πŸ’” that people with anxiety, depression, the loss of losing a family member, or other related issues such as anger, and bitterness (like myself) try our very best to over-come these feelings by trying so hard to heal ourselves that we all deserve to be in this world of happiness without judgement or fear.

I had to heal myself, as in my 20s I’ve suffered anxiety and depression, esp being in a rehab centre for a month to over- come certain issues I was facing, with self harm and suicidal thoughts.

And my pals, this is why I blog, as you know it’s about feelings, but I want to give support to all as sometimes I read and can sometimes relate to them😒😒. But the difference is I’ve over-come certain issues of anxiety and depression, I still get it at times don’t get me wrong, and all my blogs have true meaning, this is what I was feeling at the time in my 20s and I’m still a bit of an overthinker too and I do still worry a lot, I just try to look at it differently of what I did that helped me through the process of healing and forgiving, and I’m extremely sensitive to your situations tremendously because you all sound absolutely amazing!!! And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.❀️✌

Easier said, but believe in yourself, believe in your happiness, heal, ❀️ we fighters are strong and beautiful!!πŸ’ͺ. I’am now a samaritan listening volunteer in my spare time of helping others, and it gives me such an honor of doing something for my community above all else for everyone going through bad times.

Love, peace, and happiness everyone, believe in yourselves, because I believe in you!!!! ❀️❀️

Happy blogging, Cbeerio!!! 😁 xx

An Open Letter To My Anxiety Which Led Me To Complete Fear…..,

Anxiety Can Be Beaten!!

Dear Anxiety,

I can’t knock on a door,

Or ask for extra napkins,

I can’t call someone and ask someone how they are,

I can’t raise my hand without the fear of being wrong,

I can’t hang out with new people,

I can’t live my life,

I can get trapped myself,

Getting it off my chest seemed to help relieve some of the pressure…..

Anxiety, there you go again showing up uninvited, how are you? You don’t come around as often as you used to, and I can’t say that’s necessarily a bad thing, Ever since we have met, you’ve been a huge weight on my shoulders that always held me down, making even the smallest things nearly impossible.

You have took some of my memorable moments and ruined them with your presence. You pushed my happiness aside and made yourself the star of the show, you’ve always been selfish like that.

Moments of excitement turn into moments of extreme fear and panic when you and your partner in crime depression come around.You both put me at war against myself for what felt like eternity, taking any self confidence and burying it in doubt and insecurities you made up.

Since you two have stopped showing up regularly, I have become the person I never dreamt I could be because you laugh and tell me there was no chance in hell.

There is no way I would make it in college, there was no way I could ever, ever love myself and that I had no purpose on earth.

There is only a few nice things I want to say to you. Although I hate when you are here, it makes me appreciate when you’re gone. When you leave me, I appreciate the little things that I could not do when you’re around. It makes me find strength and confidence in myself in a whole new way. I also want to thank you, because of the way you and your buddy depression made me feel, I talk about you a lot, so much that I have made friends and have helped people through tough times when you two wouldn’t leave them alone either. I have people and a support system who make sure I’m okay when you come to visit in your own time.

Thank you for breaking me down and tearing me apart, because it made me build myself up and become a fighter.

The Mind And Body You Don’t Have Control Over Me Anymore.

Goodbye anxiety, we are true fighters!!!:D xx

I always tell people to never be ashamed. Mental health is just as important as physical health, and it takes strength to battle your mind every day,

At the beginning of my whole journey, I didn’t know where to begin with my illness, I felt so isolated and although friends and family understood and supported me, I didn’t know anyone who was going though the same situations as me. This is why I’ve started to write my blogs.

I started it not to find others like myself but to help others too. As I started in the beginning to look at different stratergies of how to cope better with my illness and feel comfortable around others and try and help others at looking at how they can relax more with there mental health…….


Now I’ve always have been a big worrier above all else!!! and it can be really hard to stop worrying when we have anxiety. You may have worries you can’t control. Or you might feel like you need to keep worrying because it feels useful- or that bad things might happen if you stop….


Try to get enough sleep, Sleep can give you energy to cope with the difficult feelings and experiences.

Walking or running in the fresh air makes you feel better, I find going for a walk is great, even if I can’t go far. I walk around the garden and eat my lunch outside.

Don’t Let Anxiety Ruin Your Life!!!

Now I look for natural ways to control the panic and anxiety, including meditation, exercise, breathing exercises, mindfulness and diet.

I keep a photo diary of all the things I’ve managed to do! Makes me think “I can do this”. So when I go and sit in a cafe, or go for a walk, I take a pic to record that I’ve done it, and look back when I felt scared… encouraged me that maybe I can do something [again] if I’ve done it before,

Certain things that you can enjoy, like mind hiking to support other fellow hikers aswell, as you know, my pals I love nature and the dreams of hiking to the mountain streams :D……..

I know there can be a lot of anger bottled up in our souls, and believe me I know that is awful. anger is a powerful emotion, it’s a normal healthy situation to feel hurting emotions explode when having feelings of anxiety and painful thoughts.

This is a natural response, when I felt extremely anger, due to my past and hurtful thoughts I used to count to ten, that reaction cooled me down, or recognising the anger signs, breathing slowly, more exercise, that can help your angry thoughts, as it did me or looking after yourself that kept me calm.

Or getting creative, I do painting, writing, singing, drawing.

Talking about how I felt “you know” discussing my feelings…….

Us who have suffered anxiety often experience or appear to show anger, it’s because we are feeling fear or perceive threat, and we start responding to the fight response to this.

Anger with anxiety to me is because that we are scared or might be blamed, or hurt as a result…. it’s definitely a healthy response in my own eyes.

My friends, down let your anxiety hurt you!! because that is what this awful illness wants we are stronger than we know peeps,

I will write soon. Happy blogging!!

Take Care, Cheerio :D……. xx

How We Can Deal With Our Social Anxiety…..

Social Anxiety Can Cause A Major Impact On Our Mental Health, Of Loneliness, Isolation, And Above All Else Complete Fear…….

Dear Social Anxiety,

I know you resides in me,


You’re taking over me,

Like a phobia I’m scared,

So I built the walls. Put the barriers,

Here I’am away from everyone,

Safe and sound,

In my own comfy zone…….

My anxiety spiralled out of control, I suffered with a social phobia of being around people and having symptoms of panic attacks and a rapid heart rate of palpatations, my symptoms came in three categories- physical feelings, cognitive feelings, and behavioural feelings,

With social anxiety, my stomach churned, acid burned, that was to just visit friends, my heart needed interaction but I just wanted the night to all end.

Yes I’m Going To Start Staying Positive, I’am Who I’am!!

My social phobia, in a sudden twisted-inward I’am lurched into an altered consciousness, of palpatating silent fear, fighting invisible strangling fingers of irrational thought.

Neurons are playing pin ball in my head, as someone else is looking through my eyes, at the people around me, who are all fine and well breathing normal air.

My heart desperately afraid, it runs and runs away so hard from a threat that exists, only in my mind but I’am distorted by panic, and my breathing betrays me my mind is clamouring wearily at me, to relax get a grip there is no cause for such extreme sensitivity, it is only my own self- consciousness, that nothing is really wrong…..

Hearing people laugh near you. Not talking because you’re afraid what you say will be judged, keeping quiet in a conversation with three people, not being able to go anywhere alone . Staying inside all day, hating when the teacher asks you a question in class. Eye contact, eating in front of people, counting money before you pay. Not leaving voice mails, paying for things at a shop. Always preparing what to say, bumping into people you know, feeling embarrassed all of the time…….

This can be extremely terrifying, as I’ve experienced this myself and it can be so degrading that you just want to hide within your inner self…….please be strong!!!!

Social Anxiety Isn’t A Choice, I Wish People Knew How Badly, I Wish I Could Be Like Everybody
Else, And How Hard It Is To Be Affected By Something That Can Bring Me
To My Knee’s Every Single Day!!!

Social anxiety, had made me extremely upset, when I’m upset I shut myself down, I had no motivation for anything, I told myself that nobody cares, even though I know some did, I thought about all the negative things, I could possibly think of, I gave myself all the pain thinking I deserved it, I wasn’t sure why I did that, but that’s just how I’am

How I over-come my social anxiety, my mains goals ahead………. to a better outgoing life. Now I know that it’s a very difficult process as I used to be uncomfortable in a load of crowds thinking of what they thought of me, staring at me, making comments, but my friends, you can look at it another way, we can choose who we feel comfortable around. This to me goes with trust, if trusting the crowds that you feel associated with,[ you know] same interests, the same feelings as you, it will make a lot of difference of you feeling more comfortable[ as it did me] such as friends in the same boat as you,

Easier said than done, I know that esp when you have them thoughts in your head, which is being afraid, but we have the power to fight these thoughts of feeling afraid and being around people, by saying hang on NO I DESERVE TO BE HERE TOO right……

These are my goals I over- came from social anxiety that I once faced…….:]

1, Trying a self-help manual.

2, Work with a therapist.

if social anxiety is stopping you from doing things you want or need to do, or you haven’t had much success with self help, seek professional help like a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders like cognitive behaviour, or negative thoughts,

3, Practice deep breathing everyday.

It’s helpful to engage in deep breathing before an anxiety provoking social situation occurs.

4, Create objective goals.

5, Keep a rational out look.

For instance, if you’re giving a speech, you’ll initially think “I’m going to bomb”, but if you’ve given speeches before and done well then this isn’t a rational or realistic perspective. You might say instead, “I’ve given speeches before. I’m prepared, and I’ll give it my best shot”.

This is what I used in my goals that I wrote down in my journal diary, and it helped me through my social anxiety in every way possible, as I tried to pick my own comfortable crowds without being judged of how I was, or how I looked, and what they thought of me, like I’m used to being around my co- workers and I started to go out on their get together’s and I felt comfortable because they knew me as a person, where I knew that I wouldn’t be judged or hurt in anyway,and I have to say it was good fun :D….

My pals, we shouldn’t deserve to be judged by what others think of us, as we deserve to enjoy ourselves as much, and please never ever forget that…..

Peace and love my friendly bloggers and above all else happiness. πŸ˜€ Cheerio!!!!! xx

A Happy Vacation :D A Dream Come True Of Travelling,That Could Be Good For Our Mental Health and Well-Being…….

Hello Happy Blogger’s,:] hope all is good….

What as ever been your happiest vacation, good news for me It’s my first time in ages of spending a good vacation away, “you know taking that first step” away from depression, and isolation that I once knew!!

My dream as always been to travel, esp hiking the mountains, and looking at the sea view and enjoying the quiet warm breeze and blue sky. I think of this of being good for my mental health.

My favourite of travelling is meeting new people, exploring and nature above all else, we as people can set ourselves free away from what we feel inside, a guidance of putting a foot in the right direction without us being judged or belittled by others, because as a child growing up I was always convinced that I wouldn’t be successful and look at what I’ve achieved in later life, “see we can do this my pals” don’t let nobody tell you otherwise” we can have as much fun as them and still succeed our goals,

A Vacation Is Good For Our Mental Health!!!

Taking a happy vacation, we can set our minds on freedom, nature in my eyes is the best part of relaxation and enjoying the sights, of beautiful horses, eagles, dolphins, etc also adventuring landscapes of the red sky and fountain streams, this is my happiest vacation of all that could be good for my mental well-being and it can be for you too :]…..

Vacations can also improve our mental health by reducing our depression and anxiety. It can also improve our mood and reduce stress by removing people from the activities and environments that they associate with stress and anxiety.

Vacation Improves Your Mental Health And Well being!!

On my vacation, is most of all hiking :] I just love the relaxation of landscapes, and it’s inspiration,

I do love the warm vacations, and spending time with my family away, relax’s my depression and anxiety, I love the summertime on beaches having the sound of the waves and white crystal sand, I love the quiet sounds of the fresh air to help my mind feel that ease of not overthinking, or feeling stressful situations it’s where no one can harm or discourage you above all else and finding yourself in that moment of time where you feel lost.

Well my friendly peer’s, I know life can appear at times to be absolute crap!! and I totally agree but there as got to be a cure for us all, some do find it hard and difficult to break away and I understand completely, as over these last few months of my life I have found it profoundly difficult myself to succeed, through a lot of issue’s that surfaced but I’m trying to give courage and hope that there maybe a better life out there that we can create because going through these hardest times, I always feel extremely sensitive for people in this situation as loneliness and social anxiety can hurt.

That’s why a happy vacation is for us all, BE HAPPY MY PALS …

Take Care Happy Blogging. xx :D.

Finding Love, Happiness, And, Above All Else,Peace……

The pursuit of Love,Peace and Happiness, can be a very inspirational thing above all else, I can imagine that I’ve had my up and down’s of living with my mental health issue’s like others, but no matter whatever you are going through, we all deserve our inner souls of being happy and peaceful and of course loved.

In this blog: I’m going to create something that seem’s important to many lives. instead of dwelling about certain things that we are trying to avoid and get past as I do myself. Let’s try and look at what makes us happy, and looking at the positive side of us as human beings.

I know sometimes that people find it difficult to find an easy solution to the side of happiness, and love, and above all else peace, Let’s try and look at it differently :]

Who loves a good time, disco’s, party’s, pop bands, concert’s I was born in 1981 and growing up I loved family parties and outings, bands, and film’s, even though at times my childhood was tough, esp in my school days, but there was a little bit of happiness that I can remember, esp with my dad who sadly passed at the age of 42, I was 9 yrs old when that surfaced but I’ll never forget the memories I had with him :]

Peace for me is nature, travelling is a dream of mine, my exciting time is the weekend, seeing certain sites, going to the park, walking, reading, drawing, and writing.

Love, happiness, and Peace, here we go :] My favourite happiness is listening to music: New Kids On The Block, Tears For Fears, Bananarama, Mel And Kim, Kylie And Jason, :] Fleetwood mac, Sonia, Motown Music, Reggae music,… Stevie Nicks. etc

Love for me is fairy tales, creativity, writing poetry, inspiration…….

Come on pals!!! Love, peace, and happiness, is in our souls, :] I know it probably doesn’t seem that way for what we go through,but we can probably turn this into something that is positive.

Why must other people be judged,

Why can’t people like us just be loved,

People that care, people who can share,

This world we live in will soon be turning to dust,

If people can’t come together to love and to trust,

Let’s end all this bitterness and sadness,

So let’s live in a world full of love, peace, and happiness,:]

Love, Happiness, Joy, And Peace…….
Enjoy Yourself……:]

This was my all time favourite song to play growing up, when I was down, [even now] and I do think it can help let our hair down and start living and enjoying ourselves as we all need to do.

Music helped my depression at times, as I’ve said before, dance and sing to your heart’s content :].

This my pals!! is for us as we are all human beings/ love, peace, and above all else happiness, that is what we all deserve in our lives [despite whatever pain we have endured]…..

This is a short blog for now. So my friends, Take Care Cheerio!!! :D..

When We Find That It’s Difficult To Stop OverThinking…..

I do find it hard to shut off my brain at any given moment, I felt exhausted and anxious because of my thoughts and possibly in that moment of time I was probably a chronic overthinker, and unfortunately overthinking for me has become a global epidemic, as we live complicated times that requires so much brainpower and taking my responsibilites out of control such as EMOTIONAL TRAUMA’S and other associated problems in my mind that leave my mind in a state of overdrive.

Signs that were trapped in my mind: Of overthinking situations.

I was trapped in my own mind with regular insomnia, we as overthinkers have major difficultly with sleep pattern. Insomnia had taken hold of me and it seemed in possible to switch off my brain, the thoughts were slowly paralzing me, my mind was constantly racing and I felt to wired to sleep, all my worries from the day kept flooding my mind, and it felt like I couldn’t escape from this mental prison.

Guidance: If this sounds like your overthinking try relaxing your mind

Try doing relaxing activities before bedtime this really helped me to relax my mind.

Meditating, colouring, drawing, writing, reading, or even talking to a loved one.

Doing something that takes your mind off your thoughts and onto something else that allows your creativity and emotions to come to the surface.


I extremely found this so difficult at first and was constantly living in fearful situations and If you live in fear of the future in which I did, then you are definitely trapped in your own mind.

I did some research, and I found that this fear causes overthinkers some not all including myself, turn to alcohol and mainly drugs in order to drown their negative thoughts.

Overthinking Ruins Your Mind!! Of Living In Past Thoughts

I started overanalyzing everything and for overthinkers that is the main problem, I needed to control everything,

I wanted to plan out the future, but because I couldn’t predict it, it caused a great deal of my anxiety. I didn’t like dealing with anything That I couldn’t control I had a major fear of the unknown, in which caused me to sit and mull over all the options instead of taking action.

Racing Thoughts!!!

When I found myself over thinking , I tried to bring myself back to the present moment through deep breaths and thinking about something that relax’s me. I tried to think about those thoughts serving me in the present moment, and how this alone should get rid of them, as you’ll find that they do nothing for you but cause great stress.

Fearing of failure is my biggest stress of all, as an overthinker I also had an incessant desire for perfection in everything I did.

I couldn’t accept failure, and I would do everything in my power to avoid it, ironically, this usually involves doing nothing at all, fear paralyzed my overthinking, so instead of risking failure, and I would rather not put myself in a position at all.

Remember: that you are so much more than your mistakes and failures, and also keep in mind that to get anywhere in life, you have to make mistakes. These allow you to grow, learn, and reach new heights.

Don’t Let It Destroy You

I was always making the wrong decision, so I would take a very long time to make a choice, because I didn’t trust myself, I was completely out of touch with intuition, so every decision comes from the brain, and this wasn’t always a good thing. My brain went completely foggy and bogged down that I couldn’t make a clear decision, then that definitely over lead to my overthinking.

Learning to trust your intuition, and go with your gut, if it turns out negatively , at least you’ll have learned from the experience, and have more life lessons under your belt.

I was suffering regular headaches, I was thinking to much. My headaches was a signal to my body that I needed a break, that I needed a lot of rest from my mind, also I needed to pay close attention to my thoughts, that I was thinking the same things over and over.

As a worrier I tended to have negative thought patterns that ran in a loop, I tried to reinforce positive thoughts instead, I spent time trying to breath and focusing on mindfulness, and realising the headaches went away in no time.

Believe it or Believe it not, my overthinking affected my whole body with physical aches and pains which left me feeling exhausted and lethargic.

I was feeling tired regularly, and this called for an action plan on my part. My body wanted to tune in and listen to the signals, and instead of constantly going from one activity to the next and ignoring it’s calls. While fatigue can be caused by doing too much and not taking a rest, my overthinking that also caused exhaustion. I thought about it [as trying not to think too hard about it] I thought about things constantly, over and over, not giving my mind a rest.

Remember: your mind cannot run 24/7 as you will eventually get burnt out.

If we are feeling fatigued, we need to slow down and figure out what our body and mind need from us :]

Don’t Be a Victim Of Overthinking Negative Thoughts!!

I couldn’t even stay in the present moment and enjoy life as it came, and it felt like I became a victim of overthinking . I was thinking to much that caused me to lose focus of the world around me, and I became trapped in my own mind. Becoming bogged down with my thoughts that was removing me from the now, which disrupted my relationships with others.

Remember: to open your mind and heart to the world around you, and that is what I tried to learn and I tried not to get to wrapped up in negative thinking. I only tried to allow thoughts into my brain that served my well-being, and tried to ignore the ones that brought me down,

Life offers you so much beauty and the opportunity for incredible experiences, but you can only appreciate this if you learn to tune out of your brain and into your heart instead.

Also in relationships with others can help to silence those negative thoughts. When I was paying attention to others, I had given myself a break therefore putting the focus on someone else. Learning to truly listen to others, trying to bond with them, and asking them questions about their lives.

We can stop this chronic overthinking problem together by forming communities again, and learning to support and connect with one another.

I started to focus on doing things that made me feel good and encourage me to remain active.

You can start an exercise program, join groups to connect with like-minded people in your community, start eating healthy foods, and having a mindfulness practice, and most importantly, learn to cultivate a positive relationship with yourself. I started to look at my thoughts as tools to help me grow, not as enemies that hindered my progress.

As Anthony hopkins said: We are dying from overthinking. We are slowly killing ourselves by thinking about everything. Think, Think, Think. You can never trust the human mind anyway. “It’s death trap”

3 Techniques to stop overthinking immediately:


If we don’t live or work in nature, then we need this the most. Taking time to get out in nature, could mean going to a lunch break in a park, or going on a vacation to get away. Anything you can do to strengthen our bond with nature will greatly benefit our minds and stop overthinking immediately.

Getting out in nature I love to do focusing on the the beauty in the trees, a leaf, a waterfall, the sky, and mountains, a lake or whatever I gravitate towards. This will immediately stop your mind. When you allow yourself to do this, you will find that you will think more clearly throughout the day.


I paid attention to my brain at this very moment… having what kind of thoughts I observe Most likely I noticed that the majority of my thoughts centred around me what someone said that made me angry, or even degrading thoughts about myself.

Don’t feel bad, though with so much negativity around us, maintaining a consistent positive mindset isn’t always easy. However, you can actually counter the negative words and overthinking of peaceful words.


This is for a good reason, when we meditate, we stop the flow of overthinking and negative thoughts bombarding your consciousness every second, and instead move into space where stillness takes precedence.

My examples: are Peace, Love, Light,. It’s ok. Life is good I’m okay.

Because that is all that really matters in my world, our whole world, Love, Peace and above all else happiness.

Choose Whatever you what in life!! Our choice :]

An Open Letter To My Depression That Led Me to My Binge Eating.

Dear Depression,

I never thought I would say this but I’ve deeply struggled with you, put up with you,been over controlled by you, you’ve sapped me in half of my self confidence of energy of doing things that I used to enjoy and the enjoyment of the things I used to love doing but you’ve also taught me a lot and I do suppose that I should say thank you.

I am tired, tired of fighting with you, and tired of feeling the need to prove myself to you even though we both know my efforts come unnoticed. I do try and accomplish simple tasks, if it were up to you, the work would just keep piling and piling up. My course work would be unfinished that I could fail, tasks would go lower and lower ie such as washing that would continue to be untouched, and lately you have been a huge struggle and an impact of my daily life “What’s one more day of putting off these daily chores?” Remembering when I slept in my bed that I couldn’t get my head off the pillow for a week because you made me believe moving the clothes off my bed that was just too difficult to do. You gave me advice in my head that ‘put it this way at least you won’t have to make your bed of a morning.

It is still hard for me to call you what you are because deep down, I don’t think you enjoy being talked about and you prefer to be silent, and in the darkest depth, because isn’t that where all the scariest things hide? I just wish you would at least own up to the damage that you cause, as I wouldn’t feel that I’m always the one to blame.


You continued to haunt me by turning to comfort eating that spiralled out of control, and I began to eat compulsively as you probably would say in my mind”keep enjoying and eating the food that is bad for you”

My binge eating,that left me with guilt,shame,disgust,something that was very uncontrollable, that I would hide my emotions and behaviours with food from sneaking snacks,and junk food.

My weight gained and gained piling on the pounds and no one noticed the pain that I was feeling inside of extreme stress and depression. I was telling myself inside “SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME” I’m suffering in silence, I felt ugly, hurt, angered,very frustrated, of what was happening,the feeling of the hurt was bad enough.

But some friends and family would tell me I’ve put on weight “YES I KNOW I WOULD SAY” with anger and upset inside.

“See depression that is what you did to me the more comments, the more hurt that spirals me out of my control the more deeper I would turn to food to hide the pain, plenty of snacks like chocolate, sweets, crisps, rounds and rounds of bread, chips and cake,” It was extremely hard to avoid temptation”

My binge eating led me even more into depression because of having very bad stressful time of isolation, very few little friends, who wasn’t interested of how I was feeling, being extremely lonely almost my entire life with low self esteem issue’s,”yes I would hide my hurt and feelings where I wouldn’t speak about it” but what is wrong with friends being concerned offering me support and I’m here if you want to talk” :/

I would go out for a social get together to try and build my self-confidence of letting my hair down but I felt that everyone was staring at me and my weight that I piled on through depression and severe stressful situations and that was what I was going through at the time of being in a dark place.

Depression you had left me with that angry feeling of despair and very frustrated that I needed to turn to a therapist for help and at the time I struggled with a deep journey that seemed impossible to fix I was almost a size 18 at that point that I just kept on eating and purging to block out the pain of loneliness and a mixed of emotions I was dealing with inside regarding to a past that was haunting me of bullying, feeling ugly, as my low self- esteem led out of control a relative at my work place, said “I may appear extremely bitter in this conversation”:/ but she told me congratulations and I said what for and she said when is it due AND THAT UPSET ME DEEPLY as that mixed my emotions and depression into more of a down wood spiral and piling on the pounds of eating excessively it’s not a easy process of someone feeling this way, but that was the only way I could hide the hurt of that comment.

I tried to deal with it the best that I could but this comment also had taken me another way to losing weight by starving myself “I’m explaining myself of the way I felt at the time”and now I’m turning it the other way around and it still left me extremely depressed where I just wanted it all to end in the process and taking my own life there and then because that one comment can cause damage to a person with low self esteem, depression and stressful situations regardless it taking a different turn. One night I was sitting on the edge of my bed absolutely in floods of tears where I was lost of wanting to get rid of all the hurt and the pain I thought this is it no more binge eating it’s time to say goodbye!!!!!!!!

Depression had taken away all my ability to live and enjoy life that I absolutely craved for a long time as it has taken all my power to ever experience an happy life as I felt terribly disgusted with myself as I kept eating myself into an oblivion emotionally, to again secret snacking, crisps, chocolate, bread x4 a day, where I couldn’t stop :[ but you depression you changed all that by saying “hello anorexia nervosa” a cause of starving myself to death;[.


Dear Lord.

My happiness has been taken away from me,

My ability to live a very happy and bubbly life,

Willpower and strength,

Having the energy, and fulfilment in my life,

Lord my depression has taken control of all of the above, I want to have the life that I see some people living, happy, laughing with friends, families, relationships, dressing up, wearing make up again,

Lord I haven’t eaten for days!! saying the expression in floods of tears, I’ve been very isolated, hurt, angered, through extreme depression, binge eating excessively to the point where it had spiralled out of control, I needed to do this, asking my brain to take the thought of food away, FOOD, FOOD, go away you are ruining my mind today I would suggest to myself, I have had the indulgence in my head [lord] that thin is beauty? I know at the time that was a delusional thought as the lord has now guided me to know that beauty lies within a person, not just about being thin it’s about the person that you are, and the main thing to being healthy but this is what I was facing at the time:[ of complete desperation for help and guidance from above.

The lord had spirited me in so many ways, has I did state in my very first blog : A journey of recovery was a complete success the first time but this is the second time that anorexia nervosa occurred as I did state that this condition can stay with you for a long time so I had to find myself yet again.

My behaviour spiralled out of control with food as I was still dealing with certain issue’s of depression, regarding the past that I had suffered self harm and suicidal thoughts, of still not being happy, at this point I was becoming thinner, and completely having the feel of feeling very hungry, but I kept thinking about my emotions as well, like thinking I’m going to bring back my binge eating habits!!!!!! that won’t stop as it will lead me out of control yet again, this was my mind telling me EAT, GO ON EAT LOADS,.Depression was sending me lower and lower and back into that deep dark place.

“So depression this time you are not going to win”, you are not going to control me or my life,I kept telling myself over and over “I’m the person in control” THE FEELINGS OF ANGER EXPLODE. So that’s when I really had to call for help of going to my gp to be refered to an mental health unit for depression and binge/anorexia disorder and trying to deal and come to term’s of now to control my own mind that I’m not going to over eat, or starve of food due to being controlled of depression, I started to regain my weight to being healthy again with the help of the care team, and my family when I spoke the truth of needing severe help again in which then they were very supportive.

Depression now I have controlled you, I’ve found a stability of gaining my life back to being a healthy one, and the medication has helped me in many ways possible so now I have so many things to look forward too by being happy, loved and making many new friends, going out more often, and experiencing life like I once had before.